Do you ever feel a rush of irritation during a conversation with your wife? Maybe she questions a decision you’ve made or voices frustration about the kids…

Suddenly, your heart races, your muscles tense, and all you want is for the discomfort to stop — so you withdraw or shut her down.

You tell yourself, “If this conversation goes away, I am in control, therefore I win.”

But you know the truth. Nobody wins. She’s hurt, more frustrated, and the distance between you has only grown.

If this is you, you’re not alone.

This is defensiveness — its rampant in marriage and incredibly destructive.

Defensiveness shuts down much needed conversations that could bring about connection, peace, and freedom.

It’s a self protective stance that keeps you self focused and detached from others.

So, why do we get defensive? Sure, maybe she’s critical at times — but let’s not blame her, it runs deeper than that.

For me, defensiveness comes down to fear, insecurity, hurt, and shame. These feelings sometimes overwhelm me and block my ability to stay present with my wife.

Suddenly, her concern feels like an attack on my identity as a man. So, instead of hearing her heart, I hear, “You’re not enough.”

But that’s not what she’s saying at all.

That’s only my shame and fear talking.

You see, shame creates false beliefs about yourself, others, and God and fuels more fear and more lies.

So, what’s the antidote?

First, ask the question: What am I afraid of? Upsetting her? Disappointing her? Hurting her? Being alone? Rejection?

Second, ask: What does my shame say about who I believe I am (identity) and who I believe my wife is?

A “disappointment?” … “failure?” … “bad guy?” … “inadequate?” “not enough” “mean” “crazy”

Third, ask: is this true? (Let me help you — the answer is no.)

Next, ask God: Who do You say I am? And listen. Who do you say my wife is? Listen.

Then, walk in that truth. This will free you up to lean into what she is actually saying.

Remember, there is a big difference between disappointing someone and being a disappointment…failing at something and being a failure.

In order to drop our defenses, we need to anchor to the truth of who we are.

The Truth

The truth calms fear because it exposes the lies we believe and puts our body, mind and soul into a state that allows us to see things clearly.

If you are having trouble finding the truth remember that you weren’t born believing these lies.

They didn’t come from your Father in Heaven — they come from pain and hurt in this life.
So let Him remind you who you really are..

Deeply Loved — Jeremiah 31:3

         Created in His Image — Genesis 1:27

            Known Intimately — Jeremiah 1:5

          Precious and Honoured — Isaiah 43:4

           Chosen — John 15:16

         Redeemed — Ephesians 1:7

        His Child — 1 John 3:1

    Not Condemned — Romans 8:1

    A New Creation — 2 Corinthians 5:17

   His Masterpiece — Ephesians 2:10

Breathe that in.

This is who you are.

From that place of worth, you can step into deeper intimacy without fear.

Friend, you have two roads:

One — the wide road of defensiveness that keeps you stuck.

Two — the narrow road of humility, anchored in who you truly are, that leads to freedom.

The second road is worth it.

Every time.

So today, believe the truth. Lower your shield. Be humble. See your wife.

Don’t let shame and fear sabotage your marriage.

This is true strength.

If you’d like to book a FREE strategy session with me, click here and we’ll make a plan to help you move into deeper connection and intimacy.

In your corner,

TJ